I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
