I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
