i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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