i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
