im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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