I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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