It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
