he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
