Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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