i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
