Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
