My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
