Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Randomize
