so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
