how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
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Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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