after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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