i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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