they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
