Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
How does one acquire holy water?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
