I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
