Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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