Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
