I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
