Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
