he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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