How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
