she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
