just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
