If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
