I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
