If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
