I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
