I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
