Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
