she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
