please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
