If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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