I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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