i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
