I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I need to calm my uterus...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
