No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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