Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
