Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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