were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
