We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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