i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
