toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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