So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
