Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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