Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
