I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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