the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
