Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
