omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
