if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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