We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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