take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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