I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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