Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
