just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
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I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
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you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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